Marissa Walter ~ Break Up and Shine

Valentine’s day after a divorce can bring painful memories of happier times. Even if you were never a “Valentine’s Day person” it’s normal to feel a sense of loneliness on this most coupley of days, which emphasises the fact that you are alone and missing out on what everyone else seems to have. 

Today, I’m not going to talk about how to get through February 14th because it’s something I’ve already covered in another post. Instead, I’m going to invite you to go deep on self-love.

It can be grating to read about self-love in a Valentine’s day post, when all you want is for somebody else to care for you. But I’m writing about it anyway because, even though it might not be the kind of love you want to receive today, it’s the most important of all, and learning to embrace it will bring you more happiness than any card, gift or romantic meal. (more…)

My first Christmas post-separation was emotionally tough; it was 10 months after my marriage had ended and the resurgence of grief took me by surprise. Special occasions can knock you off guard just when you think you are coping, and can be particularly cruel if they happen very close to the end of your relationship. The Christmas season, weddings, summer holidays – in fact any celebration which drives home expectations of “togetherness”can make you feel like an outsider, a failure or just really sad and low.

It can feel hard to turn to other people at this time of year; who wants to feel like the killjoy bringing down everyone’s happiness? From the other side it looks like everyone else’s life is perfect; meanwhile, you are desperately trying to avoid the “what are you doing for Christmas?” conversations or trying not to cry at the thought that you may not be with your children this year. (more…)

How do you move on when you still love someone?

How do you let go when you are hoping that, by some miracle, things could be different?

When the person we are in love with no longer loves us back, we feel such a deep hollowness that it’s hard to imagine the prospect of happiness.

Following my experiences of being the rejected party, I was left desperately wondering how to get out of this unbearable feeling of loss.

One evening during my divorce, while watching the Sex And The City movie, I  heard a line which has always stuck with me. As she was ending a relationship, Samantha Jones says:

“I’m just going to say the thing you’re not supposed to say: I love you, but I love me more.”

Talk about a bold statement of putting yourself first!

In the context of breakup rejection, I honestly think that quote sums up the bottom line in healing: In order to get through the heartbreak, you must love yourself more than you love the other person. (more…)

This summer, I was honoured to be asked by Authority magazine to share my story of how and why I support others going through breakup and divorce. 

In this interview I sum up what Break Up And Shine is all about, and how being part of this community can help you heal and discover your best life after heartbreak.

I offer advice on:

• Where to put your focus
• Common mistakes to avoid
• Shifting your perspective
• Finding opportunity in the loss
• Dating after a breakup

and more!

Click here to read it! 

With love and support,

I recently entered into very new territory: the short relationship.

Other than a teenage holiday romance, all my relationships have lasted for years.

Having been through a long process of healing and gaining closure from my last breakup, this summer I was ready to put myself back out there again to find love.

I initially thought the way forward would be a dating app but before I even managed to make my first match, the Universe intervened with other ideas and sent me a stranger out of the blue who asked me out. In Real Life!

I spent around a month seeing this man (let’s call him Mr. B) and while my romantic disposition and desire for a life partner would have loved that I had immediately found “The One”, it did not last.

But this ending was in no way a failure and today I’m going to share why, by letting you in on 7 lessons I learned about getting back into dating. (more…)

Welcome back to to the final post in the series of How To Get Over A Breakup After Cheating.

If you missed the first two posts, start by reading them here.

This week I share with you a concept that can feel triggering, challenging and sometimes impossible.

Yes, today we are looking at forgiveness as part of the healing process.

In my book Break Up and Shine I cover a whole chapter on forgiveness, specifically about the misconceptions of what it means to forgive. (more…)

Last week I talked about the specific pain that comes when a partner cheats.

I shared the first step in how to get over a breakup after cheating, which was learning to recognise that the betrayal isn’t about you. If you missed that post, click here to read.

As promised, this week I am sharing the second discovery I made while healing from my own divorce after an affair. (more…)

If your partner’s cheating led to the end of your relationship, you are probably wondering how you will ever get over it.

A breakup due to unfaithful behaviour adds its own specific elements of grief. I know from my own experience as well as from clients, that even a long way into the healing process, an affair can still torture you with feelings of unworthiness, sorrow and anger.

Getting over a breakup when you have been cheated on takes self-compassion and patience. (more…)

When my last relationship ended, I didn’t really understand why. After eight years together and still feeling love for each other, my partner walked away saying he didn’t feel able to commit.

He didn’t want to work on the relationship because he felt that nothing would change for him. So, I had no choice but to let it end and do everything I could to pick myself up from deep grief, intensified by great confusion.

Now, over a year later, I still cannot give you a definitive reason as to why we broke up. I do still think about the breakup and occasionally it can bring up emotion, even now.

But these days, instead of that burning need to understand and make sense of it, I have a more distanced curiosity when I think about the reasons we ended. I think this might be that elusive state we call “closure.”  (more…)