Can you get quiet and hear the voice inside you that knows what you need?
At one of my lowest points after my marriage broke up, I could not see a way forward. I was exhausted with emotion, drained from overthinking and part of me still hoped my husband would come to his senses and return to our family.
I spent a long time obsessing about the “what ifs” or whether there was a way we could get our life back on track.
Then came the day that I was utterly sick of how I was feeling. I realised logically that there was no going back, yet I STILL couldn’t let go of him emotionally. I was obsessed with what he was doing, why he treated me so badly, was there any possibility things could be different.
I knew that I needed to think another way but I didn’t know how.
So in a moment of desperation, I called on something bigger than myself. Although I’m not religious, I can only describe what I did as praying. Sitting quietly sat on my sofa, I asked out loud “WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO GET THROUGH THIS?” and the answer came in immediately and clearly like a voice in my head.
It simply said “Save Yourself”.
Nothing more than that, but it was the answer I needed (even though I didn’t particularly like it). It was time to stop obsessing about my ex and why he did what he did. I had to stop hoping there might be hope for us. I had to stop thinking of “our” future and start believing in “my” future.
The same message will keep showing up
Then, a couple of nights later I had the most vivid dream, which has stayed with me for years. I dreamed I was lying in bed with my ex-husband and I sensed that there was impending danger – I don’t know exactly what, but it was palpable.
As I became more aware of it, I tried to wake him up. I called his name over and over, I shook him but he was in a deep,deep sleep. I realised that I couldn’t help him, I could see what was happening and had to get away, but I couldn’t take him with me. The same message was unspoken but there again in that dream: “Save Yourself”.
My “Save Yourself” realisation did not instantly erase my grief and pain; of course not. I still had so much work to do to let go of my marriage, but I trusted that the message was the truth. I recognised that choosing to invest my time and energy into my future was the only way to lift my deep despair.
Trust that voice
The whole way through the healing process, whenever things got really tough I would recall that voice. (Was it my own voice? My guardian angel? Who knows?) telling me very clearly what I needed to do to proceed. “Save Yourself” was the driving force to focus on myself, love myself and create a better life for myself.
I’m so grateful for that message, but I could only hear it because I got quiet and asked what I needed to do. When you are immersed in the noise and mind-chatter of grief, it is really hard to access that wisdom that lives deep inside and knows what you need.
Can you sit in silence right now and just ask for what you need to do next. The answer may be challenging, may push you out of your comfort zone or may not be what you want to hear. But pay attention, because it will be guiding you towards what is best for you.
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