When someone treats us badly either during a relationship or through the process of a break-up, it is entirely natural to be left with a sense of bitterness and resentment.
Even if we decide to refrain from negative dialogue or behaviour towards our ex-partner, it’s comforting to hold onto the belief that “karma will get them”. This relieves us of the need to inflict harm while secretly hoping that our ex will suffer for the pain they have caused.
But as justified as it feels, waiting expectantly for karma to do its thing is simply vengeance in another form; this only keeps us stuck from moving on.
I totally understand how hard it is to give up hope for some righteous comeuppance.When my ex-husband left me and our 3 young children to be with someone else, it felt so utterly wrong and unfair that he got to move on and get what he wanted without consequence.
I was never going to be the difficult, revenge-fuelled ex-wife, but I couldn’t comprehend why he was allowed to get away with it; why hadn’t karma caught up with him and kicked his arse?
Unfortunately, their karma is not our business
I began to understand that karma doesn’t really work like that; it doesn’t do our bidding. As unjust as it seems, having the moral high-ground doesn’t mean that things will turn out in our favour. Karma is not as simple as “what goes around comes around”. The lessons that we believe someone else needs to learn might not be ones that they actually need. Someone else’s karma is not our business. Your ex might already be learning lessons that you know nothing about, simply because they aren’t obvious.
There was a life lesson in this for me, as there always is. It was to stop focusing on and his life and focus on myself instead. My persistent hope that he would reap what he sowed certainly wasn’t hurting my ex-husband; it was only increasing my own pain due to the amount of time I spent thinking about him. To break free of this, I had to remember that peace of mind comes when you focus on what you can control, and let go of what you can’t.
Focusing on YOU leads to empowerment
I realised the only things I could really control were what I thought and what I did. So, if I was truly the engineer of my happiness, then what happened to my ex was suddenly irrelevant. I also came to recognise (slightly selfishly!) that it was actually better for me for if his life didn’t to turn to crap and fall apart. Why? Because that would make things complicated and painful for my children, and so in reality, worse for me.
The key is to moving on is to focus on YOU, not the other person:
- Where can you learn a lesson from your pain and what happened to you?
- How can you grow? (even if it feels like your ex should be the one to grow instead).
- How can you let your happiness be dependent on you and your choices, and not on what happens to someone who did you wrong?
When you shift your focus to answer these questions, you will be far less interested in directing karma to your ex. Instead you will become empowered and excited about the future you can give to yourself.
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